Feed Forward

Most of us do just fine with positive feedback, although even praise can sometimes leave us uneasy. Perhaps we’re not sure it’s genuine or we fear we haven’t earned it. But closing the deal, or learning that someone you admire admires you, or getting that perfect bit of coaching that kicks your skill level up a notch can be electrifying. We did it, it worked, someone likes us.

Then there’s the tougher stuff—the feedback that leaves us confused or enraged, flustered or flattened. You’re attacking my child, my career, my character? You’re going to leave me off the team? Is that really what you think of me? This kind of feedback triggers us: Our heart pounds, our stomach clenches, our thoughts race and scatter. We usually think of that surge of emotion as being “in the way”—a distraction to be brushed aside, an obstacle to overcome. After all, when we’re in the grip of a triggered reaction we feel lousy, the world looks darker, and our usual communication skills slip just out of reach. We can’t think, we can’t learn, and so we defend, attack, or withdraw in defeat.

But the form that most interpersonal feedback takes — a conversation between two people — can trick us into seeing it as a product of the relationship when it’s equally (if not more so) a product of the surrounding culture. Even people who aren’t interested in or skilled at giving or receiving feedback will participate in the process (and improve) when they’re working in a feedback-rich environment. And the most ardent and capable feedback champions will give up if the organizational or team culture doesn’t support their efforts.

Because feedback givers are abundant and our shortcomings seemingly boundless, we imagine that feedback can trigger us in a googolplex of ways. But here’s more good news: There are only three. We call them “Truth Triggers,” “Relationship Triggers,” and “Identity Triggers.” Each is set off for different reasons, and each provokes a different set of reactions and responses from us.

Truth Triggers are set off by the substance of the feedback itself—it’s somehow off, unhelpful, or simply untrue. In response, we feel indignant, wronged, and exasperated. Sydney experiences a truth trigger when her friend tells her she was “antagonistic and aloof” at a recent birthday party. “Unfriendly? Was I supposed to get up on the table and tap dance?” This feedback is painful. It is just plain inaccurate.

Relationship Triggers are tripped by the particular person who is giving us this gift of feedback. All feedback is colored by the relationship between giver and receiver, and we can have reactions based on what we believe about the giver (they’ve got no credibility on this topic!) or how we feel treated by the giver (after all I’ve done for you, I get this kind of petty criticism?). Our focus shifts from the feedback itself to the audacity of the person delivering it (are they malicious or just stupid?).

By contrast, Identity Triggers focus neither on the feedback nor on the person offering it. Identity triggers are all about us. Whether the feedback is right or wrong, wise or witless, something about it has caused our identity—our sense of who we are—to come undone. We feel overwhelmed, threatened, ashamed, or off balance. We’re suddenly unsure what to think about ourselves, and question what we stand for. When we’re in this state, the past can look dark and the future bleak. That’s the identity trigger talking, and once it gets tripped, a nuanced discussion of our strengths and weaknesses is not in the cards. We’re just trying to survive.

Is there anything wrong with any of the reactions above? If the feedback is genuinely off target or the person giving it has proven untrustworthy, or we feel threatened and off balance, aren’t these responses pretty reasonable? They are.

Understanding these feedback triggers will promote greater health in receiving constructive feedback. Moreover, we must also consider these principles of how establishing a feedback culture allows us to be positioned in moving forward to pioneer, explore, and discover more of our potential. 

Pursue intellectual bravery.

Innovation is the lifeblood of any organization and system. Without it, failure is not a question of if, but when. What causes a company, classroom, or workplace culture to cease coming up with new ideas? Over the last several decades, studies of failed organizations reveal an almost imperceptible erosion of intellectual bravery: this is the willingness to disagree, dissent, or challenge the status quo, even when it carries the risk of ridicule, career repercussions, or ostracization. When this vital spark fades, organizations develop patterns of willful blindness. Internal dissent is ignored, buried under layers of bureaucracy. Efficiency's relentless march crushes creativity. The status quo calcifies, and stagnation sets in. This isn't inevitable.

By fostering a culture of open communication, celebrating risk-taking, and creating safe spaces for dissent, we can rekindle the flame of intellectual bravery and ensure their continued innovation and success. The responsibility for creating a culture of intellectual bravery lies in leadership. Leaders set the tone, create the vibe, and define the prevailing norms. Whether or not the environment has a culture of intellectual bravery depends on your ability to establish a pattern of rewarded rather than punished vulnerability.

Take your finger off the fear button. 

There are lots of ways leaders and organizational directors create fear, often without even realizing it. They may rudely cut someone off in conversation, roll their eyes, or simply ignore someone during a meeting. There are more overt ways too, such as publicly shaming someone for asking a question. A milder version would be to simply roll your eyes. Fear causes people to self-censor and retreat into silence. Watch for ways that you might be making team members afraid, even inadvertently, and change your behavior.

Think beyond your role. 

Let's invite people to break free from their silos. This will unlock a surge of divergent thinking, forging connections across boundaries. But remember, we must actively guide the process, nurturing constructive dissent while keeping destructive derailment at bay.

Respond constructively to disruptive ideas and bad news. 

When someone on your team offers a disruptive idea or shares bad news, make sure you communicate a positive emotional response through your body language and non-verbal cues. This might include smiling, facing the other person directly (if you’re in the same room), and nodding. This signals that you have a high tolerance for candor and will protect your people in their right to dissent. The most obvious way to do this is to listen with empathy and curiosity along with a goal of understanding, which conveys a sense that you are on a journey together to solve a problem. Dissent is part of the process.

When you reject a team member’s input or suggestion, explain why you didn’t adopt it. Your considerate response will make it more likely that the individual will continue giving feedback. Listen carefully, acknowledge the contributions of others, and then register your point of view taking into account what others have already said.

Remember that vulnerability is exposing yourself to the possibility of harm or loss. If you model and reinforce a pattern of vulnerability yourself, others are more likely to do the same. Share your mistakes. Ask exploratory questions. Admit what you don’t know.

Watch this reflection from Author Simon Sinek about how to consider feedback as a gift:

How do we build a feedback-rich culture? What does it take to cultivate an ongoing commitment to interpersonal feedback? Here are four essential elements:

Safety and Trust.

To give and receive truly candid feedback, people must feel a sense of safety and trust. Neurologist and educator Judy Willis emphasizes the relationship between positive emotion and performance, and as those in the workplace and classrooms, we need to foster it to ensure that colleagues learn from feedback. Note that this does not mean avoiding confrontation or offering only support and comfort. It does mean being highly attuned to people’s readiness for a challenge and their emotional state in a given interaction.

• To create safety and trust: Get to know each other. Make an effort to understand colleagues and peers as individuals. This doesn’t require a great deal of time or deep, personal disclosures — just taking a moment to ask about someone’s weekend and occasionally sharing stories of your own.

• Talk about emotions. The ability to discuss emotions is a critical feature in any group that aspires to share effective feedback, not only because feelings are at the heart of most difficult feedback, but also because feedback inevitably generates difficult feelings. When we can talk about our embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, and even anger, the culture is sufficiently safe — and robust — to handle real feedback.

• Make it OK to say no. A risk in feedback-rich cultures is that people feel obligated to say “Of course,” when asked, “Can I give you some feedback?” The freedom to postpone such conversations when we’re not ready to have them ensures that when they do take place all participants are willing parties.

Balance.

We often think that good feedback is honest criticism, but that’s just half the story. The other half is truly meaningful positive feedback, which is all too often absent in organizations. You can’t have one without the other, but so many obstacles prevent us from offering and accepting positive feedback. We worry it will sound insincere. We worry it is insincere. We worry it will make us look like suck-ups. We worry it will make us seem weak. And since we don’t do it very often, we’re not very good at it.

But recent research at Ghent University in Belgium indicates that positive feedback promotes self-development. As University of Washington Psychologist John Gottman has noted in his study of long-term relationships, the most successful ones have a ratio of 5:1 positive to negative interactions even in the midst of a conflict. Strong relationships depend on heartfelt positive feedback — so we need to practice.

• To establish balance: Offer some positive feedback…and stop there. Too often we use positive feedback to cushion the blow before delivering criticism, but that practice inevitably degrades the value of our praise and renders it hollow.

• Start small. We miss opportunities to provide positive feedback every day because we have this idea that only big wins merit discussion. When we see any behavior we want to encourage, we should acknowledge it and express some appreciation.

• Praise effort, not ability. Research by Stanford University Psychologist Carol Dweck suggests that praising persistent efforts, even in failed attempts, helps build resilience and determination, while praising talent and ability results in risk-aversion and heightened sensitivity to setbacks.

Normalcy.

Trainings and workshops can create space for people to be open to new ideas and experiment with new ways of communicating, but the next day everyone goes back to the real world. You have to integrate the behaviors you want into your team’s daily routines in order to normalize those behaviors within the organization’s culture.

If feedback is something that happens only at unusual times (such as a performance review or when something’s gone wrong), it’ll never really be an organic part of the organizational culture. It has to show up in everyday life — on a walk down the hallway, at the end of a meeting, and even over a cup of coffee.

• To make feedback normal: Don’t wait for a special occasion. A mentor for many, Vince Stehle, once stated, “Don’t build a castle; put up a thousand tents,” and that certainly applies to feedback. Don’t turn it into a complex, cumbersome process; just take a few minutes (or even a moment) and make it happen.

• Work in public. Certain conversations are best held one-on-one, but too often we treat all feedback as a potentially embarrassing or even shameful process to be conducted under a cover of darkness. When sufficient safety and balance exist, even critical feedback can be provided in larger groups. This not only allows everyone present to learn from the issues under discussion but also allows people to see how to give and receive feedback more effectively.

Personal Accountability.

As influencers who want to promote a feedback-rich culture, we will have to walk the talk every day. Research by Harvard Business School’s Lynn Paine and colleagues makes clear that employees are more sensitive than leaders to gaps between companies’ espoused values and actual practices. Our teams will take their cues from us as to what’s acceptable, and if we don’t take some risks in this area, they won’t either. Why should they? This doesn’t mean we’re going to get it right all the time. If we’re taking some meaningful risks, then of course we’ll make some mistakes. The key is to fail forward and view those mistakes as essential learning opportunities. Let those around us know that we’re trying to get better at giving and receiving feedback, too, and ask for their input on how we’re doing.

• To walk the talk: Be transparent. Everyone around us – colleagues, peers, classmates, superiors, direct reports – should know that improving at giving and receiving feedback is an ongoing goal of ours.

• Ask: We can’t just sit back and wait for feedback to be offered, particularly when we’re in a leadership role. If we want feedback to take root in the culture, we need to explicitly ask for it.

Interpersonal feedback promotes, fosters, and cultivates the rich soil of a feedback culture that accelerates learning opportunities and advances growth. Consider receiving and offering feedback as part of the momentum in this year. 

- Deepak Santhiraj, School Social Worker