Embracing Self-Compassion
Over the past few years, we experienced an increasing amount of time left to our own thoughts. When the outside world shut down, we had more time to entertain our inner world of thoughts, dreams and fears. Without the business of work and other daily demands, it offered an opportunity to listen to the voices repeated in our own mind.
When you get quiet and really listen - what is it that you hear? There may be a daily to-do list, musings on the past/future and thoughts about events currently taking place. Underneath all this, you may find a voice of judgment attempting to make sense of your world by continuously evaluating your performance and needs based on comparisons to others.
I have come to know and identify this voice as my inner critic. Fed by other people’s social media feeds of creative enterprises and exciting adventures, I found myself feeling that I am not doing enough, having enough, or just being enough.
Is it true that I am not measuring up?
Or is it just my inner critic that seems to be questioning all my choices and judging my every move?
The voice of the critic.
The inner critic is a near-constant voice in our head. It tells us that we are not smart enough, cool enough, good-looking enough. Our inner critic loves to engage in comparison to others, and inevitably, find ways that we are not measuring up. At times, it can be a subtle voice suggesting that we need to change the way we look or act in order to be “better.”
It may be critical thoughts about a conversation or interaction you had as: “Why did I say/do that?” Maybe it says no one likes you, or that you don’t have any real friends. Other times it can be a loud voice claiming that you are stupid, wrong, broken. If you have felt inadequate, ugly, overweight, lazy, annoying, not enough or too much, it was likely your inner critic at play.
One of the trickiest parts about the inner critic is that we don’t always recognize it as a voice separate from our own. We take the things it says as fact and don’t understand why we feel poorly about ourselves.
An unchecked inner critic can have serious implications.
Psychological research has found that a pattern of critical self-talk and blame can contribute to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance use disorders, juvenile delinquency, physical health problems and even suicidality. We would feel poorly if someone else was constantly berating us. An unchecked inner critic can leave us feeling insecure, alone and helpless. It impacts our ability to trust ourselves and our own instincts over time.
Is there another way? How do you start to separate from this inner dialogue and step into a kinder, fuller life?
The answer is knowing and befriending that part of yourself that says you are not good enough. Let yourself see and get to know your inner critic so that you can best respond to what it needs. Ignoring or contradicting your inner critic is not the answer. Your inner critic is part of you, and self-compassion starts with the acceptance of all of yourself as good. So while it may not be bad to “try to think positive” or identify good thoughts about yourself, often this feels insincere and doesn’t create an authentic relationship with yourself. What is more powerful and long-lasting is to practice treating yourself as you would treat someone you love.
The first step is awareness.
Spend some time exploring where this voice is coming from in your body and what it tells you. When you are able to separate yourself from this voice and see it as a separate entity, or part of yourself, then you can go about identifying what it needs and how to soothe it. This voice may have originated in childhood when someone spoke to you harshly or made you feel inadequate.
It may be a specific person that comes to mind, season in your life, or just a particular comment. It may be none of those. Maybe you don’t know where it started, but can you envision what the critic looks like now? What color is it? What kinds of things does it usually say? Are there certain times that you hear the voice the loudest?
The next step is identification.
Try and determine what this voice is attempting to protect you from. Is it trying to help you feel a sense of control over your world? Is it covering up feelings of inadequacy or loneliness? Do you feel as if you need the critic to motivate you to be better?
Once we can better identify our inner critic, we can practice different ways of responding. This may look different to different people, but the general principle is the same: respond to yourself gently, with the same level of compassion and care you would offer a close friend. Treating yourself with kindness may be a direct conversation with your critic, or reassuring statements like “you are safe,” “you are worthy” or “you are doing the best you know how to do.”
If this feels like something you would never say, consider responding to your critic with loving action or self-care. Some ideas may include: taking a hot shower, spending time with friends or family, lighting a candle, playing music, napping, or enjoying your favorite meal.
Engaging in any type of supportive touch (for example, giving yourself a hug or placing a hand over your heart and breathing) can be a powerful response. It may sound strange, but the research has shown that physical touch releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms our cardiovascular stress. If other people are around and you sense that your inner critic needs comforting, even imagining giving yourself a hug can reap many of the same benefits. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, has a number of supportive touch and guided meditation exercises available on her website to try and you can read more here.
While this sounds very simple, it can be difficult in practice. Turning towards challenging feelings of fear, inadequacy, anxiety, or loneliness feels counter-intuitive. We more commonly try to push down or ignore these feelings instead of trying to understand them. Unfortunately, feelings don’t just go away because we want them to; moreover, buried thoughts and feelings will always resurface, generally with more intensity.
“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ”
Practicing self-compassion allows us to deal directly with our emotions and take care of ourselves on an ongoing basis.
Life is hard. Being tough on yourself makes it even harder. Start within and allow yourself to respond lovingly to your inner critic. This frees you to spend time thinking about and doing those things that truly make you happy.
For anyone who needs to hear this today: you are exactly who you are supposed to be! Know who you are. You are enough. Know what you need and give that to yourself. Let that be OK.
A kinder, gentler world starts from within.
- Erin Risler, School Counselor
