Understanding and Practicing Validation

In any challenging situation, one of our options is acceptance. A key way we express acceptance, both to ourselves and others, is through validation. It's important to understand that validation isn't about agreement or approval. Even when a loved one makes a decision you disagree with, validation allows you to support them and strengthen your relationship. It communicates that the relationship is secure and valued, even amid differing opinions. 

Validation means acknowledging and accepting another person's thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable. Similarly, self-validation involves recognizing and accepting your own thoughts, feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable. 

Mastering effective validation takes practice. Understanding the six levels of validation, as developed by Psychologist Dr. Marsha Linehan, can be a valuable tool in this process.

The first level of validation is simply being present. This can take many forms. It might be holding someone's hand during a painful medical procedure, truly listening—with your full attention and without distraction—as a child recounts their first-grade day, or going to a friend's house late at night just to sit with them as they cry during emotional distress. 

Conversely, multi-tasking while your friend talks about their soccer game is not being present. True presence means giving the person you're validating your undivided attention. 

Being present for yourself involves acknowledging your internal experience and sitting with it, rather than trying to escape, avoid, or suppress it. Sitting with intense emotions, even happiness or excitement, can be challenging. 

Often, people feel uncomfortable around strong emotions because they don't know what to say. But often, just being present—giving someone your complete, non-judgmental attention—is the most helpful thing you can do. Similarly, for yourself, mindfully acknowledging your own emotions is the crucial first step toward accepting them.

Here is a reflection on validation skills adapted from Dr. Marsha Linehan:

The second level of validation is accurate reflection. This involves summarizing what someone else has shared or summarizing your own feelings. While this can be done in an awkward, artificial way by others (which can be irritating) or in a self-critical way by oneself, authentic reflection, done with the genuine intention of understanding rather than judging, is truly validating.

This type of validation can help someone clarify their thoughts and distinguish them from their emotions. For example, "So basically, I'm feeling pretty angry and hurt" is an example of self-reflection. "Sounds like you're disappointed in yourself because you didn't call him back" is an example of accurate reflection by someone else.

The third level of validation is mindreading. This involves attempting to understand what another person might be feeling or thinking. It's important to remember that people's awareness of their own feelings varies. For example, some might confuse anxiety with excitement, or excitement with happiness. Others may have difficulty identifying their feelings because they weren't allowed to experience them in the past, or because they learned to fear them.

People sometimes mask their feelings because they've learned that others react negatively to their sensitivity. This masking can even lead to individuals not acknowledging their feelings to themselves, making those emotions even harder to manage. Accurately labeling emotions is a crucial step toward regulating them.

When someone describes a situation, pay attention to their emotional state. Then, either name the emotions you hear expressed or gently guess at what they might be feeling.

"I'm guessing you must have felt pretty hurt by her comment" is an example of Level Three validation. It's important to remember that you might guess incorrectly, and the person may correct you. Their emotions are their own, and they are the only ones who truly know how they feel. Accepting their correction is itself a form of validation.

Level four involves understanding a person's behavior in the context of their history and biology. Our experiences and biology shape our emotional reactions. For example, if your best friend was bitten by a dog a few years ago, it's understandable that she wouldn't enjoy being around your German Shepherd. Validating her at this level might involve saying, "Given what happened to you, I completely understand why you don't want to be around my dog."

Self-validation also involves understanding your own reactions in the context of your past experiences.

Level five is normalizing, or recognizing that the emotional reactions are ones that anyone might have. Understanding that your emotions are normal can be helpful for everyone. For someone who is emotionally sensitive, knowing that anyone would be upset in a specific situation can be particularly validating. For example, "Of course you're anxious. Speaking before an audience for the first time is scary for anyone."

Level six is radical genuineness. This occurs when you deeply understand someone's emotion, perhaps because you've had a similar experience. Radical genuineness involves sharing that experience as equals, connecting on a human-to-human level.

While understanding these levels may be relatively easy, putting them into practice is often more challenging. Consistent practice is key to making validation a natural part of your communication style.

Consider this example: Your best friend is upset because her car recently got totaled. She feels as if her parents are treating her like a child and is so controlling that she feels suffocated. When you ask about their reasoning, she explains that she had gotten into an accident for the fourth time, knowing that many more expenses were incurred, and they were unable to pay the insurance bill. How do you validate her? Remember to aim for the highest possible level of validation. Think about your answer before reading on!

Let's look at a couple of scenarios and how to apply validation.

Scenario 1: Joanna and her diet

Joanna calls, complaining about eating chocolate cake and other sweets, wanting more, but also not wanting to gain weight. While she doesn't explicitly mention feelings, it's likely her eating is emotionally driven. Level 3 validation (mindreading) would be a good starting point. You could say, "Something seems to be going on. I'm guessing you might be upset about something?" If she then reveals, for example, that her pet died yesterday, you could move to a Level 5 (normalizing) or even Level 6 (radical genuineness), depending on your own experience with pet loss.

Scenario 2: Shawna and the pool party

Shawna, who had a bad experience with peers at the community pool as a middle school student, panicked when she was pushed into a pool, even though it was only waist-deep. She expresses shame and self-criticism, calling herself "crazy." Level 4 validation (understanding behavior in context) would be most effective here. You could say, "Given your history with the pool, it's completely understandable that you panicked when you were pushed into the water. Anyone with that experience would likely react similarly."

Emotional invalidation occurs when a person's thoughts and feelings are rejected, ignored, or judged. This is emotionally upsetting for anyone, but it's especially painful for those who are emotionally sensitive.

Invalidation damages relationships and creates emotional distance. Self-invalidation, in particular, leads to alienation from oneself and makes the process of building a strong identity extremely challenging.

Both self-invalidation and invalidation from others can significantly hinder recovery from depression and anxiety. Many experts even believe that invalidation is a major contributing factor to emotional unhealth.

While most people would deny intentionally invalidating another person's internal experience—and few would do so purposefully—even well-intentioned individuals can sometimes invalidate others, often because they are uncomfortable with intense emotions or mistakenly believe they are being helpful.

Many people readily admit to self-invalidation, often arguing that they deserve it or that they aren't worthy of validation. They may be uncomfortable with their own humanity. However, it's important to remember that validation is not the same as self-acceptance; it's simply an acknowledgment that an internal experience has occurred.

People who care about you can invalidate your feelings in many ways, often unintentionally. Here are some common reasons and examples:

Misinterpreting closeness: Some assume that being close means knowing another person's feelings without asking. They may presume to know how you feel and even tell you what you're thinking, rather than asking and listening.

Misunderstanding validation: Some confuse validation with agreement. They might think that validating your anger means condoning it, when in reality, you can acknowledge someone's feeling ("You're angry with your friend") without agreeing with their actions or opinions. Instead of validating, they might try to reassure you by saying, "You shouldn't think that way," which is invalidating.

Wanting to "fix" feelings: Loved ones often don't want to see you hurt, so they might try to distract you from your feelings with offers of treats or activities ("Don't be sad. Want some ice cream?"). While well-intentioned, this can invalidate your emotions.

Avoiding hurting feelings: Sometimes, people lie to avoid hurting your feelings. They might tell you that you look great in an outfit that isn't flattering or agree with your point of view in an argument when they don't actually agree.

"Wanting what's best": Those who care about you may try to do things for you that you're capable of doing yourself, or encourage you to befriend someone influential, even if you don't genuinely like them, with comments like "You should be friends with her. She'll be a good friend to you." This can invalidate your own judgment and preferences.

Here are some specific examples of invalidating behaviors:

Blaming: Attacking someone's character or making sweeping generalizations ("You always have to be the crybaby...") is always invalidating. (This is different from taking responsibility for one's actions.)

"Hoovering": This refers to attempts to "vacuum up" any feelings that make someone uncomfortable, or giving dishonest answers to avoid upsetting someone or being vulnerable. Saying "It's not a big deal" when it is important to you, or falsely praising someone's performance, or not acknowledging the difficulty of a task, or over-committing when overwhelmed, are all examples of hoovering.

Judging: Dismissive comments like "You're overreacting" or "That's a ridiculous thought" are invalidating. Ridicule is particularly damaging ("Here we go again, cry over nothing...").

Denying: Telling someone they don't feel what they say they feel ("You're not angry...") is a direct form of invalidation.

Minimizing: While often well-intentioned, minimizing someone's feelings ("Don't worry, it's nothing...") sends the message that their emotions are not important or valid.

Nonverbal invalidation can be just as powerful as verbal, and often conveys a dismissive message. This can include eye-rolling, impatient finger-drumming, or checking your watch while someone is speaking. Even if unintentional, actions like attending an important event but then ignoring those around you to focus on your phone send a strong message of invalidation.

Nonverbal self-invalidation can manifest as overworking, excessive shopping, or any behavior that distracts you from tuning into your own feelings, thoughts, needs, and wants.

The most effective way to stop invalidating others or yourself is to consciously practice validation. Remember, validation doesn't require lying or agreeing. It's about accepting someone's internal experience as valid and understandable, which can be incredibly powerful.