Power of Connection
About a few days before the pandemic shut our world down in March 2020, my son’s elementary school lost power for a day. The school decided to close, giving staff and students an impromptu “day off.” I found myself toting my Kindergartener along to my planned appointments and activities. My husband found humor in the fact that for hundreds of years schools were able to function quite well without electricity, but now all learning depended on it.
Fast forward a few months later when COVID-19 exploded. We had all the electricity needed to power lights, computers, and cameras for students; yet, learning stopped for another reason.
Sitting in front of his iPad, seeing his teacher through a video, my son was “in school.” In truth, he was somewhere else. Yes, he certainly could see his friends on the screen and hear his teacher’s voice, but this didn’t feel comfortable. This wasn’t meeting his needs. And like many other students that school year, he shut down. The pandemic shone light on a truth that we seem to continuously dismiss: we have a deep need to be with people.
The father of Humanistic Psychology, Abraham Maslow, puts our psychological needs (including our need for relationships) right smack in the middle of his hierarchical pyramid between our basic needs: food, safety, and our need for self-fulfillment. We call these psychological needs by many names: inclusion, belonging, intimacy… connection.
What does it all mean?
“Connection is the experience of oneness. It’s having shared experiences, relatable feelings, or similar ideas.”
At its core, connection is about relationships, where each person feels valued, seen, and heard. Connection isn’t just about presence. You can be surrounded by people at a football game, a school dance, or sitting in a classroom and be completely disconnected from others. That’s because real connection requires authenticity. We live in a world where we can see and “interact” with others at any moment through social media. We like, edit, and post about our lives all day long; however, this generation is lonelier than ever (University of Manchester Study). My son was present with others over his classroom video chat, but he was unhappy because attention is not the same as connection. Attention from others may give you momentary satisfaction.
It can be a droplet from the faucet, but it won’t fill your emotional bucket like true relationships can.
And when we confuse the two, we’ve neglected a deeply rooted need.
We have heard the phrase, “No man is an island”. We are social creatures with an innate need to bond. And interestingly, science supports this with multiple recent studies providing evidence that a lack of social connection has negative effects on both physical and mental health.
Research has shown that social isolation can:
Contribute to depression, insomnia, and cognitive decline
Increase the chance of stroke and heart disease by 30%
Lower your immune system, making you more vulnerable to viruses and disease
A lack of connection has real consequences. Sociologist Peter Cohen has remarked that when we’re happy and healthy, we’ll bond and connect to each other. But when someone can’t do that because they’re traumatized, isolated (e.g. a pandemic), or beaten down by life - they’ll bond with something else that can give some relief. And this bond could be with anything from food to shopping to substances.
Sierra Tucson's Self-Medication Nation survey of 1,011 employees throughout the U.S. found that one quarter of respondents had participated in a Zoom or Microsoft Teams work call while under the influence of alcohol, marijuana or other recreational drugs during the COVID-19 pandemic.
The National Eating Disorder Association helpline reported a 40% increase in call volume since March 2020. Is it a coincidence that during a time of unprecedented isolation, problems with addiction increased? Author Johann Hari would say no. That’s because he argues that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety; it’s connection. If someone wants to recover from an addiction, they need to learn to form meaningful relationships with others.
Willingness is a good place to start when we want to form meaningful connections with others.
It can feel uncomfortable to open up to others and be vulnerable. We must be willing to sit with that sense of awkwardness. We’ll be required to take the first step to reach out to others, rather than waiting for someone else to initiate that conversation or interaction. Here are some other steps to consider:
Look for similarities. It’s very easy to think of how we’re different from each other. “I don’t have a problem with depression like they do” or “I didn’t grow up with a dysfunctional family like they did.” Instead, look for what bonds you share with another person, such as, “I know what it’s like to feel like I’m not good enough.”
Embrace small talk. At some point we’ve accepted the idea that talking about hobbies, weekend plans, or favorite sports teams is just a way of killing time. It’s definitely not! Learning about the “small” things that occupy others’ thoughts and actions will add up to big insight into their world.
Be others focused. It’s much easier to feel connected to others when you’re thinking of others, instead of yourself. Volunteer service is a great venue for this. According to a 2010 survey on volunteering: 68 percent of the 4,582 American adults surveyed said that volunteering made them feel physically healthier, 73 percent said it lowered their stress levels, 77 percent said it improved their emotional health, and almost all respondents said it made them happier.
Feelings first. Maya Angelou said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” No matter who you’re with or what you’re doing, validating others’ feelings will go a long way. Someone failed a test? “Ugh, that stinks when you feel you could have done better.” Your friend helped score the winning goal? “That’s amazing, you must feel so proud of yourself and your team!”
In the end, the power of connection reveals itself in how we feel. This will lead to higher self-esteem, greater empathy, and renewed purpose.
